here is a happy....

since that last blog was kinda a drag, I thought I would end it on a happy note!

Weekend update!

So Friday night was the first night since my birthday, in august, that I have been able to go out. It wasnt really out out, just margs with one of my girlfriends from highschool. It super fun, we were calling ourselves, wasteface party of 2 on the patio. He had great fun catching up on old times and bitching about men. You know, the traditional girl stuff. We had a blast, and it was nice to have a night.

Yesterday was Slade's grandfathers birthday, not my dad but "asshole's" dad. He is my boss and we still get alont great and so do I and the rest of his family. He wanted me and Slade to come to the little get-together he was having, and I wanted to see everyone so I agreed. He said that "asshole" wouldnt be there for another couple of hours and I could stay or leave whatever I wanted to do. Well Slade fell asleep right before "asshole" got there so i decided that I would be a mature person and just stay, after all it wasnt about me or him it was about his dad and his birthday and HE wanted us there. "asshole" sees me there and turns around and walks out and calls for a ride to come and get him. HAHA hilarious. He cannot stand that everyone still likes me so much and is on my side because he is such a screw up. well apparently he called is mom and his mom was like look its your dads birthday and you always complain that you dont see your son enough so grow up and go spend time with him.

So he ended up staying, but not without smart ass sarcastic comments thrown my way, I put him in his place REAL quick. I just cant stand him. I want something to happen for me to get as far away from him as possible.

My mom has a job opportunity in cali. And I want to go. It would be like starting over and I really need that in my life. I dont want Slade to grow up and have to go to ANY school in Memphis. I want him to have a beautiful life and I think I can give him that no matter where we are, but being away from "asshole" would make everyone better off. I know it would lift a huge burden off my chest. And there would be NOTHING he could do to stop me. He has no grounds and he is fucking mentally retarted on paper. recognized by the state. So there is nothing he could do. Thank god.

He is the only problem I have in my life right now. I cant even think about him without my blood pressure going up. I just hate him. I never thought I could hate someone this much, but i really do.

the love of my life wears diapers :)

I am just wanting to share the absolute beauty that is my son. It amazes me sometimes how much I love him. I never thought my heart could love someone this much. Couldnt imagine my life without him. I cant even remember how I got by before him. He is my world and I am so very much in love with him.

Its finally friday! And my mom is going to watch Slade for just a little while, while I go have dinner and margs with my best friend who I havent seen since Slade was born. Dont have much time to go out anymore being a mommy!! But I wouldnt trade it for the world. I love everything about being a mommy.

I need a new camera bad. The one I have is super shitty. "Asshole" baby daddy gave it to me while we were together for Christmas and he literally got the cheapest one from walmart. Ugh. I want a new one so bad but just cant afford it. Maybe I will get one for Chistmas this year :) if not thats going to be Slade's present to mommy. hahaha.

Also I ordered my posey ring today!! I am overly excited about this ring. Its a sterling silver ring that this lady is custom engraving Slade Anthony on the outside of. I am sooooo excited about this. I cant wait to get it. Im going to never take it off. It will be something for Slade that will never leave my sight!

Im having a great day today. Ya know not long ago, back pre-baby and pre-pregnancy, I usually wasnt happy unless 1. I was drunk or 2. I had a male aspect in my life. its like I always needed a man for me to be happy. Now I cant even see myself in a relationship right now. All I see is Slade. I mean if I met someone I wouldnt refuse dating or anything but Im not looking at all. Its kinda weird. This is the first time in my life that I havent been looking for a man. I am content with it just being me. I am feeling great about myself as a person, could work on the exterior baby weight ha, but other than that I am really feeling great about me, Slade and my life. :)

FRUSTRATED out of my mind!!!!!

So baby daddy "plays" dad once a week for aboue 30 min and has absolutely NO clue as how to even romotly be a father. He comes every wednesday, so last night he came over.

I CANNOT STAND THIS MAN. Well little boy is what his mind is of. He is freaking 25 ears old and still has his grandmommy help him with everything. He has been lying to me for 2 months about having a job. He doesnt. And on top of that the so called "child support" i am getting is from his grandmother. not him because he has no money. another reason why he cannot be a father. He can not even begin to fathom the responsibility it takes to take care of a baby. He thinks its all fun and games and Slade is just a "prize" for him to show off. Not a son. Dont get me wrong I show my baby off everywhere i go, but Ryan is only obsessed with the fact he has a son. He isnt a father. I mean hell, He got his mom to order him a copy of Slade's birth cirtificate like it was a fucking trophy, something to ooo and ahh over. God. I cannot stand this man.

Him and his grandmother stupidly revealed last night that he has to take a fucking PILL before he comes to see Slade so he can relax????!!!! you have to take a fucking pill in order to be mentally able to see your son??!! you have GOT to be kidding me. That is not a father.

I would rather not have any money from him and him not be in mine or slades life than to have him in Slades life like he is.

Slade already doesnt know him, he screamed and cried as soon as Ryan picked him up yesterday..and he is only 2 months old!!! its only going to get worse!! and that is his own damn fault.

And the worst part is, is that I gave Slade that father. Its my fault he has that father. And he has to live with that. He has to have this kind of father and that kills me. I didnt have a fantastic dad who was there for me all the time, but at least my father was better than Ryan will ever be. And thats not just because I have so much disgust for him either.

Sometimes i wonder if Slade would really be better off without Ryan as a father. I dont let my hatred get in the way of Ryan being a father, but he actually cannot be a father. He has to take a fucking pill to be able to be around his son??!! it just blows my mind.

the EX

So I was with this guy while I was pregnant, He wasnt the father but we were together from when i was about 3 months until 2 weeks after I had Slade then I found out he was cheating on me.

Well he just texted me. Ugh. And he is one of those I will never really get over. The one that I really thought I was going to marry. I was very very much in love with him. And thought he was in love with me too. He says now that he didnt cheat on me but how can i beleive him. I cant. I never stopped loving him or missing him. I still think about him everyday. But I know he isnt right for me. I know if things started up again I would end up unhappy like I was in the end of the relationship last go round.

Its not like I can just ignore him. I dont want him out of my life. I just have very mixed emotions about it. I dont think I would ever get back with him. I guess he is just one of those people that I will never stop loving.

I wonder if this sinking feeling in my heart I have every time I think of him will ever go away??.......

morning thoughts and pictures

good morning blog world.
Im pooped this morning. Slade woke up at 3 and did not want to go back to sleep. So now im sitting like a zombie at work. Going through my routine. I already miss him like I always do as soon as i drop him off at the sitters.
So I thought I would add a couple pitures of him so I could see his pretty little face. These were taken about a week ago and he already looks different. I need to take some new ones.

Also I have decided that I NEED to start exercising. Slade is 2 months old and I have lost most of my baby weight by not doing much of anything but being a mommy. I just still have a little baby flab that I am in dyer need of getting rid of. I want to start running again but it wont stop raining in memphis!! Im pretty sure we are going on day 10 of rain. I feel like I live in Seattle or something. God.

Another thought, I miss my best friend so so much. She moved to arkansas at the beginning of the summer, I have seen her a few times since she moved. She was there when Slade was born and for my birthday in August we went out and then maybe 2 weekends other than that. We talk everyday but I miss her! She drives me insane though because she is such a slut. and she will be the first one to tell you she is too! She sleeps with anybody, its ridiculous. Every time I talk to her she tells me about someone else, and keep in mind i talk to her everyday! She is going to end up getting pregnant and she is soooo not in a place to have a little one right now. She drinks every night, I mean she works at a bar so thats what she does! I love her to death though and wouldnt change her for anything. She just stresses me out sometimes cause i worry about her. I guess thats the mom in me.

Also, I cannot, for the life of me , get Daniel out of my head. Daniel is a guy that i met about a month ago, in the most awesome way. And we talked for a few days, hung out had the best time together and he was saying all this sweet stuff about "how we are going to be so great together" and "how much he liked me" and then all the sudden he said he got depressed and just saw us as friends more. ???!!! And I have been asking myself the same questions for a whole month now, how can you turn your feelings around that quickly? why did he say all those things and kiss me like he did if he just wanted to be friends??? why why why??? And for some reason I just cannot get him off my mind. I know I only knew him for a little while, thats why I cant explain why he is always in the back of my mind. Its like i see no other guy. And I have had some prospects since then. I just dont see anything in them at all like I did in Daniel. The hopeless romantic in me wants to beleive that there is a reason why I cant get him off my mind, but then the realist in me is like "wake up stupid, hes gone"..ugh...damn my romantic mind. Some days i think of him more than others. But i know that God has a plan for me and his will shall be done. I just have to keep telling myself that. I dont need any man to make my life complete. All i need is my little boy. He is all I need. But I do have to say it would be nice to have someone there. Oh well, i know my time will come. I just have to convince myself to have patience until then!!! ahhhhhh....

ok must get to work now i suppose.....catch ya later

m

my life as a working mom

So as I have mentioned I am a single mommy to a beautiful baby boy. Slade. I started back to work about 3 weeks ago and it has not been easy. Slade is still not sleeping through the night yet. Some nights he will sleep longer than others but I am still getting up with him at least once a night.

But since starting back to work, life has become one long routine. Which I dont mind. I get up, feed the mister and get him ready then myself ready, drop him off at the babysitters, and head to work. I am anxious allllll day long till i see him after work, and head home for the prime time television and off to bed!

To most it would sound like a most dreadful life, but for me I wouldnt have it any other way. I dont really want to do things on the weekends because those are my full days with him and I dont want to miss out on any of it.

I just can not explain to you how much I love him. I dont see anyone else but him. I cant picture my life without my little bub. :)

blogger virgin...

It's true. I'm a first timer. Never blogged before. But I figured its a good way to write in your diary without writing in your diary. Plus, its nice to let everything off your chest every once in a while. So here starts my blogging world. Welcome me with open arms!